i’m “putting myself out there”

I need to get out of my room…

and my head.

Been a mental hikikomori for a long time now.

It’s about time

that I “put myself out there.”

Whatever that means.

Finally making my thoughts public.

So, hands shaking, I press Publish.

This perfectionism!

It’s getting in the way

of “putting myself out there”.

I wanted to be a writer.

Until I read Kazuo Ishiguro.

An Artist of the Floating World.

It would take me decades of self-torture

To be able to write that well!

I’m a voracious reader.

So I know what good writing sounds like.

Or at least know enough to know

I’m nowhere near good.

Can’t even pass my own quality checks.

It’s true what they say…

That the guy in the glass

is a harsher critic.

So I need to remind myself:

This is just a blog.

I’m not eyeing for the Nobel prize.

I’m not even getting paid.

It’s presumptuous of me

To think I would even have readers.

But the stronger blockage was my fear

of being judged..Er.. Vulnerability alert!@%$!

I didn’t build up this hard shell around me

just so I could let my hair down in my 30s.

But I know that if I want to experience something new,

I need to do things I haven’t tried.

(Duh!)

[This preceding cliche is making me cringe.]

I’ve read somewhere

That if I shield myself from pain

I also shield myself from bliss.

There’s only one door

where both happiness and sorrow come in.

If you shut it for one,

you also shut it for another.

So I’m posting this

Hoping to open the door.

To connect.

To touch at least one reader.

And there’s only one reader I need to please:

My future self.

Hope he’ll read this one day and say,

“How silly!”

And then smile.